The details were entertaining, including candidates who:

• listed “God” as a reference (though without any phone number)
• sent a 24 page resume to detail a five year career
• included a personal email address “lovesbeer“
• listed “Master of Time and Universe” under his experience.
• insisted that any new employer allow him to bring his pet monkey to work

Coincidentally, the same day that I read the article in The Telegraph, I received an email from the CEO of a local technology company who forwarded what may be the single worst resume I’ve ever read. (click on the image to view in all its glory). The resume is reproduced exactly as it was received, with only names and phone numbers excised.

As appalling (and amusing) as this singular resume disaster is, job seekers can learn a number of valuable lessons from its mistakes.

1. Pick a font size and format and stay with it. It’s expected that your name at the top of the resume will be larger than the rest of your copy, but you should not mix font sizes and justification throughout the resume. It’s distracting, visually disorienting and unprofessional. And, for most resumes, 12 point copy should be large enough.
2. Have someone else proof your resume before sending it out. This resume has dozens of spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors that could have been corrected easily by an attentive proofreader. I know employers that will trash any resume that contains errors, believing that any job seeker who doesn’t pay attention to the details of their resume won’t pay attention to the details of their job.
3. Procure a professional email address. Who would have thought it necessary to admonish job seekers not to include email addresses like “bonglover@gmail.com” or “dazednconfused@aol.com” on their resumes? This is your personal billboard, folks. You don’t want to broadcast your personal peccadilloes or your weakest personal attributes, even if you mean them in jest. Assume that every prospective employer is devoid of any sense of humor and include a direct email address consisting of “yourname@site.com“. You can’t go wrong with that.
4. Lead with your qualifications. I’m not sure what resume genius first suggested to lead your resume with your personal objective, but it’s lousy advice. Employers aren’t interested in your personal goals, but in the value you can bring to their organization. What are your strengths? What specific qualifications do you possess? What value are you capable of demonstrating? If you want to grab their attention, you need to appeal to their wants, not yours.
5. Tell a story with each job listing. Employers don’t want to know what tasks you performed, they want to know what you accomplished. And they want to know that you are aware of the difference. There are no unimportant jobs. Every job contributes to the organization’s goals in some way. Do you understand how you contributed? Did you apply yourself with care and attention? Did you demonstrate your commitment and work ethic? Tell us how.

And one final thought… don’t just shotgun your resume out to dozens of prospective employers (as this worst resume candidate did) hoping that it will get attention from one of them. It makes you look desperate and incompetent and may get attention, but not in the way you intend.

Culled from his extensive collection of blog posts detailing creative and essential ways for current job seekers to plan and execute their personal job search strategy, Tim has written the authoritative how-to guide to succeed in today’s job market.

The book is broken down into three major sections:

1. Job Search Strategy
2. The Psychology of Job Search
3. Smart Networking

with 10 chapters per section, each focusing on one specific aspect of the job search and each chapter building on what was discussed (and what the reader should have executed) in prior chapters.

Tim provides a brutally frank and candid assessment of the dreary job search process and understands the challenges facing job seekers, both mental and financial, and the specific tactics necessary to engineer a successful job search strategy. Relying upon his recent personal experience dealing with unemployment, Tim’s advice is current, creative and powerfully effective.

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of job search advice books on the market but what I found compelling about Tim’s 30 Ideas is that he shares my own conviction that job seekers need to craft a persuasive hiring message and network like crazy so that your message is delivered repeatedly to people who can help you in your search.

Tim makes it very clear that you will not get hired because of your resume, and virtually no one gets hired over the phone. Ultimately, you’re most likely to get hired by someone who met you and was impressed by your clear and articulate personal value proposition. Everything else in your job search arsenal is just meant to get you face to face with the person who has the power to hire you.

My only complaint is that the book doesn’t take the job seeker through the interview and hiring process. 30 Ideas could have been extended to 40 Ideas to guide the reader through the job interview (there is one chapter dealing with The First 5 Minutes, but it’s not enough), the follow up and the negotiation process. Perhaps that’s being saved for the upcoming Volume 2.

Bottom line: 30 Ideas is a well written and timely guide for job seekers eager to gain an edge in their job search strategy. No matter what section you’re reading, the voice is constant, the counsel is valuable and the stories are relevant and engaging.

Control Your Contact
You don’t want to get hiring calls while you’re at your current job or while you’re making lunch for your kids. You need to be in a private area that allows you to focus on the conversation. In addition, you need your resume, your list of questions and a notepad in front of you to jot down important thoughts and details and you need to be prepared. Provide your prospective employers with a single number to reach you. Typically this is your mobile number. If you receive an unscheduled call, ask if you can call back when you’re available to speak privately or have them reschedule the call at a time when you can be prepared. Make sure you have a very professional voice mail message on your mobile phone and check your messages regularly. Return every call as soon as possible and if you end up in a phone tag situation, be persistent and proactive.

Focus
Only conduct interview calls when you are able to devote 100% focus to the call at hand. If you get a call while you’re in your car or out in a social situation, ask to reschedule the call. The hiring manager wants to conduct the best interview possible and will understand that you can’t focus on the interview if you’re distracted. They will be understanding and accommodating and will respect your desire to perform your best.

Practice Your Answers to the Tough Questions
You know exactly where your professional weaknesses are, and you should expect that they will be revealed during the interview. Do you have a lot of project experience but not much management experience? Are you competing with MBA’s when you only have an undergraduate degree? Did you move to four different companies in three years? Be especially prepared to discuss these difficult issues, and determine how you can position your weaknesses in the best possible light. Knowing how you are going to respond to tough questions makes them much less intimidating.

Google Yourself
Every job candidate should be aware of all the information that will be revealed about them during a public web search. Every employer I know conducts at least a quick Google search on every job applicant just to discover what’s out there, so make sure you conduct an Internet search on yourself to preempt any surprises. In this new age of social media dominance, you need to be aware that your social media activities will also be reviewed by many employers and recruiters. Expect your Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube and Twitter pages to be examined, and if you have anything on your sites that can be considered offensive or inappropriate, either remove the items or shield them behind privacy walls. Anything that remains public can and will be used against you during your job search.

Arm Yourself With Information
When you apply to a company, it’s incumbent upon you to learn something about that company. Knowledge is power. Read their entire website. Learn their company stories, how they were formed, what their mission statement reveals and familiarize yourself with the entire breadth of their products and services. Read their News Release page to see how they present themselves to the public and to determine how active they are in their industry. Then do a Goggle news search to see if they’ve been in the news for any reason, good or bad. When you’ve done your research, you can be assured that you will stand out among the crowd of applicants with your ability to speak informatively about the company and its activities.

Tell Stories
The single biggest drawback of resumes is their focus on titles, dates and responsibilities. But your real job consists of daily stories that demonstrate how you work with others, clarify the skills you bring to each project and explain how you achieved specific results. Facts are forgettable while stories are memorable. For each position that you’ve held, write down the three most compelling and illustrative stories that demonstrate your expertise, your commitment and your management style.

Engage in Conversation
An interview is a dialogue, not a monologue. Although the interviewer will typically control the conversation and ask most of the questions, you need to engage the interviewer during your responses. If you’re asked about specific technical qualifications, respond precisely then ask how your skills would fit in or fill a need with the employer. Your responses should be limited to two minutes before you ask your own question concerning how your talent and experience would fit in with the employer’s organization. This is an excellent time to determine if you fit into their organization and culture. If their management style revolves around a command and control dynamic but you excel in an open organization with a less formal management structure, then both you and they should discover this early in the search process. Ask questions and engage in a real conversation about life and work within their company.

Final Thought
When you answer your phone, and there’s an employer on the other end, you’re on. You have to be prepared to convey your professional strengths, relate the value you bring to an organization and express your enthusiasm for their company.  Think ahead about what you will say, how you will respond to difficult questions, and have your personal stories memorized that will demonstrate the skills and experience you offer. Use your resume as a guide but let the conversation extend to the employer’s current pain and problems that hiring you will alleviate. If you’ve prepared, you won’t be anxious and you’ll deliver the great first impression that will get you the face to face interview that you really want.

The mistakes she details are pretty common, and can generally be categorized in two broad categories: lack of preparation and failure to focus on the company’s needs, not yours.

With all the information available on the web (including our own series of videos How to Handle the Toughest Interview Questions) there is no excuse for a job interviewer to be unprepared to handle some tough, probing questions. Even if the interviewer doesn’t ask the precise questions that we pose, your preparation and practice answering these tough questions should provide you with a concise understanding of your strengths, accomplishments and personal characteristics that make you attractive to a new company.

There’s also no excuse for any job candidate to arrive at an interview without knowing about the company. There are simply too many tools and sources available online that can provide a wealth of information not just about the company, but about the company’s executives as well. What message are you sending to the interviewer if you haven’t made the effort to learn anything about their company, their products, their culture or their staff?

Landing a job provides you with potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars of income, health care coverage, retirement savings and other benefits. If you can’t be bothered to invest at least several hours researching the company, then they’re likely correct in their assessment that you must not have wanted the job very badly. Do your homework.

Job seekers need constant reminders that the job interview isn’t about them. It’s all about the company.

When interviewing for a job, your first priority is understanding precisely what the company needs and then convincing them that you can fulfill these needs. By demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of their needs, you can differentiate yourself from the other candidates they’re talking to. And differentiation is crucial. Not just by the set of skills you have, but by the enthusiasm and energy you display. They want to hire someone who is genuinely excited by the prospect of working with them, so make sure you present yourself as someone they’ll want to work closely with.

One final thought that the writer left out of her piece: send a thank-you note immediately after the interview. Not an e-mail. Not a tweet. A real note on genuine paper. It sets you apart from the 90% of candidates who don’t ever send a follow up note of any kind and provides you with an opportunity to reinforce your skills and demonstrate your enthusiasm. And isn’t a new job worth the 44 cent stamp?

SUBJECT LINE: Question..

Is that a period and its twin, or is it ellipses that can’t find its third dot anywhere? Ah, an easy mistake for a journalism and communications major to make.

Hello, my name is ___________ and I am a senior undergraduate student at Well Recognized University in the Midwest, graduating with high honors in May with bachelor’s degrees in both Journalism/Mass Communication and Communication Studies. Although currently I reside and go to school in __________, I am originally from the Chicagoland area and am looking to start my career there in May.

In this letter, you use the word “I” 35 times, “me” six times and “my” 11 times in 573 words. Granted, it’s a cover letter and the subject is yourself, but since you’re applying to work here, the subject is also us, and the communication business we cover. But we get your logic: We already know all about ourselves, right? What we need to know more about is you!

P.S. In Chicago, nobody but weather-men and traffic reporters use the term “Chicagoland.” Actually, weathermen, traffic reporters and distant suburbanite kids trying to sound hard-bitten.

I cannot express to you how excited I became as I came across the website for Regan. It is the kind of company that I have been looking for, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to obtain a full-time position at Regan.

You were too excited, apparently, to check the spelling of the company’s five-letter name.

Last year, an essay that I wrote was nationally recognized and I was, in turn, rewarded for my “excellence in undergraduate research.” My work was submitted by one of my professors, who complimented my persuasive writing/speaking style and suggested that I look into graduate school. However, I am far too eager, at this point, to get started in a career—and even moreso now that Regan is an option.

Hey, we love our work, and we have a good time doing it. But are you actually saying the prospect of a job at a niche trade publisher has you geeked out of your young and hopeful mind? We cannot express how skeptical this makes us feel.

I am a prominent undergraduate student in the communication studies department here, and from time to time even assist graduate students with brainstorming and analysis.

A “prominent undergraduate,” eh? Your university has 30,000 undergraduate students, the only “prominent” ones of which play on the football team. Look, we cover PR here; don’t try to kid a bunch of kidders, okay kiddo?

More than this, I am primarily a journalism student and my work has been published mostly in the university news-paper …. However, I also worked as a news reporter/intern at a local radio station for almost the entire 2006-07 school year. There, I reported on, and wrote stories—daily—for air. I also did on-air news and weather. Aside from filing affidavits (for none other than Clear Channel) and filling out program logs—I had the opportunity to meet lots of new people and work in a high-pressure position with deadlines and time-consuming interviews. I loved it.

Wait: Did you say you filed affidavits for a radio company? Which radio company? Was it a company other than Clear Channel? No? It was none other than Clear Channel? Gadzooks, how soon can you start?

I want to bring my passion, skill, and knowledge to Regan. I realize that you may not be the person that I should be speaking with, but I needed to contact someone.

In the last 5 years of my life, I have been told by many different people that I have a much different way of thinking. I think outside of the box (without even realizing it) and have a perfectionist complex that does not permit me room for error in my work.

Ooh, this might be a problem. Here at “Regan,” we have a requirement that when our employees want to think outside the box, they have to ask permission to do it, which obviously means they have to realize when they’re about to think outside the box. Do you think you might be able to train yourself to be more aware of your mental position, relative to the box?

When I do something, I give it everything that I have. When I am given a task, I get it done better than expected. The men at the radio station referred to me as “Chicago” and “sassy”—and never failed to give me stories that required contacting the hard-to-get sources. I always got them to talk, and I always got them to “spill it.” Sassy, they said, is for the ability that I have when it comes to asking the “tough questions.” They always said to me jokingly…“you have the look to get the interview with men and women alike, the charm to keep the interview, the intelligence to ask the right questions, the passion to ask the hard ones, and the innocent smile that gets an honest answer out of anyone.”

These “men” at the radio station were about two ticks away from sexual harassment, girlfriend. A worthy subject for discussion no doubt, but not in a cover letter, please.

My resume is attached. Thanks for hearing me out. I am honestly thrilled to have found this company and look forward to hearing from you soon. All of the careers listed on your website are of interest to me. However, I think that my writing style would be most applicable to speechwriting or public relations.

Excellent. Except we don’t do speechwriting or public relations.

Sincerely,

But we’ll be sure to keep your letter on file—and refer to it every time we want to remember: How full of themselves most young people are … that all the college courses in the world can’t teach a person how to communicate effectively … and how desperate and ill-equipped even “prominent undergrads” such as yourself feel as they prepare to leave their cozy college environs and test their sass in the big bad world.

Lessons learned from her disastrous letter:

1. Proofread the letter. Then proofread it again. Confirm that you spelled the company name correctly and that you spelled the name of the intended recipient correctly. Really, it doesn’t get any more basic than this. We receive correspondence all the time from people eager to work with NESCO Resources, which is terrific, except that our company name is NESCO Resource. It makes a difference.
2. Know what the company does. This applicant can’t wait to get involved with professional speechwriting and public relations. The only problem is that Ragan doesn’t do either. Big fail.
3. Shift the focus from your desires to the company’s needs. Your goals and dreams, while massively important to you, really aren’t that important or interesting to your potential employer. They want to know precisely what you can do for them. What value do you bring? How can you contribute?
4. Demonstrate your expertise with detail, not broad claims. The writer’s claims that she “thinks outside the box” and “I give it everything I have” are self-aggrandizing statements that are much less effective than detailed descriptions of projects or tasks that actually demonstrate your expertise. Don’t just say you’re creative and hard-working, provide a real-life example.